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January 28, 1998

Jesus Christ to Sue World

Filed at 6:06p.m. EST

By The Anarchist Press
NEW YORK, New York (AP) -- Controversy exploded in a New York courtroom this afternoon when attorneys for Jesus Christ, widely regarded as "The Messiah" and "King of Kings", announced that their client would be expanding his previous lawsuit against "The Jews" to the "entire world".

In a formal statement issued by his attorney, Tamish Fronk, Christ stated " death was intended to bring about redemption for all mankind. It is now obvious to me that no one really gives a crap. I waited 2000 years for you people to come around and get your shit together, but I was wasting my time..." According to the terms of the suit, Christ is suing for wrongful death, emotional distress and nearly two thousand years in lost wages.

Christ In Court
Above:  Jesus Christ takes the stand to explain his reasoning for the expansion of his lawsuit from "The Jews" to the "entire world."
The suit was initially filed by Christ's attorneys back in September, solely against "The Jews" who, according to biblical record, were responsible for his death. Christ expanded the lawsuit to "all mankind" today, partly due to society’s indifference to the initial suit, but mainly citing his own ignorance of American law. "I didn’t realize when I filed the suit that I could expand the scope of the defendants to that magnitude. Now that I know, well, no one is safe."

"Somebody's always suing the Jews; we didn't pay it much mind. But now that we're being implicated in his death -- that's a whole different kettle of fish," remarked Daniel Fitzpatrick, the new head of Mankind’s defense team. Fitzpatrick replaced prominent New York attorney Abraham Mendelbaum, who stepped down after realizing his new clients included Palestinians. "I could use the money, but those people really piss me off," stated Mendelbaum.

In what has already promised to be the most controversial case in the history of American law, onlookers were shocked to learn that they, their families, enemies and friends were now a part of what legal experts are calling "one big-ass lawsuit." President Clinton, who learned of the expanded suit earlier today, issued a statement quipping, "Oh Gawd. Well, everyone else is suing me – why not Christ himself?"

Fronk intends to prove that Mr. Christ, while present on this earth, was brutally crucified by the Jews and left to die on a crudely-constructed wooden cross. "The indifference of the rest of the world implicates them in this matter. In this increasingly secular age, my client has every right to expect reparations from the whole world, not just the individuals who actually committed the murder."

But Defense Attorney William LaFontaine argued, "If he’s present in the courtroom today, we can’t have murdered him. That’s third grade logic. Besides, from what I know of the case, his father devised the whole plan and put him up to it. God is the one who should be on trial – and by definition of the Trinity, his son." But many experts and critics question the feasibility of calling The Almighty, a notoriously elusive individual, to the stand. "We wouldn’t even know where to look. I mean, he could be anywhere," admitted New York Police Chief Sean O’Malley.

Other critics cite the legality of Christ suing residents of other countries. "There are extradition laws in most countries," said Brazil’s Pablo Vasquez, head of The Ministry of Institutionalized Prohibition of Extraction of Temporary or Permanent Residents from Brazil. "We have no such laws. Additionally, if you do extradite every offender to the United States, you will have serious sewage removal problems."

"As a carpenter in 3 B.M. (before myself), I was making a good 1/100th of an American penny per hour," Christ’s statement read. "I just want what’s coming to me." Over the years, with inflation and the increased cost of living, financial experts estimate that Christ is owed between 2 and 2.5 billion American dollars. This would require every individual in the world to shell out between fifty cents and one dollar.

When asked why Christ chose to file his claim in New York, Fronk stated, "In the U.S., you can sue anyone for anything and win ninety percent of the time. He just wanted to up the odds. Besides, who wants to be paid in fish or mules?"

"We realize we are pretty much screwed in the court of public opinion," Fronk said. "But if everyone doesn’t ante up, there will literally be hell to pay."